what must i do?

i may say that i am good when it comes to encouraging other people. i just wonder, how come i am so harsh to myself? after giving up my love for someone, it hasn't been much change. i may say i am more cautious than before. i am more afraid that i may end up hurt again.

if only i could cry.

if only i could show him my feelings.

talo ulit ako e...

beach beach beach

it's getting hotter and hotter as days pass by. i want to have a getaway somewhere. i want to go to the beach and unwind, preferably to an undiscovered place somewhere. i want to:

• enjoy the view
-- i consider going to beaches as a form of relaxation..

• take pictures (of course!)
-- what's a white-sand beach without gorgeous shots? a big NON-SENSE.

• bathe under the burning sun
-- tan lines are best during summer.

• wear bikinis
-- why cover up when you want to get tan all over?

• dance 'til i forget my name
-- a beautiful beach + a wonderful night is one definition of a ROCKING summer

• gaze at the stars 'til i fall asleep
-- and of course, my favorite part MUNI MUNI time..

ah, what a feeling! i'm really excited for summer!
have a wonderful summer guys!

feel good days

alas!

i'm done with all those "DOWN" days. i'm back (i feel that i'm back) to the good ol' me. my bubbly personality. funny thing there is, it took me sometime to get back. this one is different from those times that i felt like something is wrong. i feel like i'm ok, better than yesterday and will be better tomorrow ( i hope so). i really felt tired from all this routine i'm into. everyday feels like forever.

i'm back again. it feels good to be cheerful and do crazy things. but still i need something or at least someone to tell me encourage me to continue being this way.

waiting

i have been dreaming about you lately. how do you look like? how will i know you? would you be my knight in shining armor? or would oyu be like one of those ordinary people who will pass by me?

i have been thinking about you lately. i wonder, will i know you immediately? will i fall for you hastily? or would i be looking for someone else even when all i see is you? i am so eager to know you.

rescue me from all this pain i'm going through. let me be loved by someone who'll stay forever. will you accept my beyond my flaws? will you still love me if you knew every little part of me? will you accept my ugliness? or would you run away as if you didn't know me at all?

i wonder what will you be like. would you be into sports? or areyou the couch potato type who would enjoy snuggling up all day long? would we have the same beliefs? or would we end up clashing 'till we finally realize that we have been always in love?

i hope you'd be more understanding & patient than anyone. the one who'll love me beyond my faults. the one who'll accept me for who i am. the one who'll be proud to introduce me to his friends. the one who'll take care of me. the one who'll trust me & will never doubt me. the one who'll never fail to assure me & never will discourage me.

the one who'll enjoy my company not just my body. the one who'll love me even if i put up my wackiest smile. someone who'll tame the child in me. someone who'll make me fall for him when i feel like having unexplainable mood swings. someone who'll be proud of me & will be more willing to hold my hands in front of everybody & not someone who will deny me when somebody asks about me . the one who would cry with me.

someone who will be brave enough to ask for my siblings' permission. someone who'll respect me not just as a person but also as a woman. someone who isn't materialistic. someone who will encourage me to worship God with him, as well as someone who would be weak infront of our Creator. someone who i can share my whole life with. someone whose love is worth more than anything in this world. someone who will keep his word.

my dearest, i'll be willing to wait for you. you are my special one. i pray that we won't be waiting long. i am so excited to meet you. i know that He designed you for me. i may not know you now, but i want you to know that i already love you. please be patient, i am right here waiting. i will put myself to sleep now hoping that when i wake up, you'll be the only one i see.

burnout

according to wikipedia.org burnout is a psychological term for the experience of long-term exhaustion and diminished interest (depersonalisation or cynicism), usually in the work context.

i've been through a lot of things and i must say that as of the moment i feel like everything is too much. i 've experienced rejection enough to lose my self-esteem. i've experienced emotional stress, too much to lose myself. i've experienced work overload, too much responsibility really is exhausting.

if only i could stop.

the feeling of you're in the middle of this unstoppable war that neither of the group wouldn't humble down and raise a white flag. i want to give up but something tells me to stand up. i'm tired physically and emotionally. i'm weak, and i'm not willing to be strong.

i can't.
what keeps me going is a questionable thought.

a choice to make...

sabi nila being a happy is a choice...

what?

a choice?

hay, i always choose to be happy naman e. feeling na nga ng ibang tao i don't encounter any problems at all! they're all wrong. i choose to smile on the outside, and mind you it is sooooo exhausting. i try to flash my widest grin for everybody to know that i am and i will always be okay. not knowing that i will end up dying inside. years have passed, i don't know if i am just holding back or i just pity myself for all the mistakes i've done.

oh well..

what's new? i always recall every moment of my downfall. i am not the same person you knew, i am more strong and more rotten inside. hahaha.

poor me.

i want to be happy. jolly as everyone else. living my life as if there is no tomorrow.

i hate being sad..
i don't want to mask everything.
i want to be transparent as if i can make up for everything.

my deepest apologies

i have been longing to write this entry years back... but i just had the courage today. i wrote this after realizing that i have been living in a world of lies, a world where nobody really trusts anybody. Nobody dares to be humble enough and admit that they did a mistake at one point of their lives.

first and foremost, i want to extend my deepest apologies to those guys i have met in the past and left an unsightly mark in their hearts. i tried my best not to fool you, i tried my best not to take advantage of you, but then again, my weakness ate most of my being that i ended up hurting you all.

i am very sorry.

i could name but i'd rather not, i might end up hurting you more. i am happy that you are living the lives you want to have with the girls you ended up with. you know who you are. i don't have the nerve to look straight into your faces knowing that i am not the ideal person you've been wanting to meet or even spend the rest of your lives with. i am happy that everything turned out well for you and for me.

and finally, to those friends that made a significance in my life that i also ended up hurting, i'm very much sorry for all those secrets spilled, for those petty fights, for those unwanted silence. i'm sorry that i wasn't able to meet your expectations. i'm sorry that i wasn't able to keep up with you, i didn't keep you posted.

i am not a perfect friend and i know i would never be one but i am grateful that you have accepted me beyond my imperfections. i'm sorry if you suffered much because of me.

i know that this isn't enough but i guess i could start with this small letter and end up right in front of you asking for forgiveness. i have too much to say and the space i have here isn't enough to apologize to you. i just hope you have forgiven me.

someday we'll meet again

how do i?

i can clearly remember how my mom told me these words:

for you to be able to love others, you must learn to love yourself first...

i understood what she meant, problem is i don't even know how to trust myself, i am always self-conscious. i don't believe in what i can do. i have pride with my work but not with myself. i always doubt whatever my intuition is telling me... i am always afraid of how people will see me. i always like running away from those people who i think would reject me or to those who wouldn't love me unconditionally. i really want to trust myself. i want to be assured always. i want to LOVE who i am. i want to be confident about what i have and brag the world about it.

very knowledgeable

you act as if you haven't done any wrong since you were born
you laugh as if you don't know that you have been offending me
you speak as if you are ALL KNOWING
ah, you irritate me!

as much as i try to put myself in your shoes, i still don't get it when you ruin the feel-good hormones that's trying to keep me up at pace. You always butt in as if i don't know what i'm doing.

NAKAKAINIS KA!

you irritate me when you talk, para mong minamaliit yung mga ginagawa ko! grrr!
oo na, matanda ka na, pero mind you di porke bata ako wala akong alam gawin nu
hello? wag po tayong masyadong magyabang! professional ka nga di ba? e anu palang ginagawa mo dito?

ah ewan. i've tried my very best to get along with you pero everytime you talk regarding what i did, i feel like i don't want to work anymore. sinisira mo kasi lagi yung diskarte ko e, nakakabanas.
pwede ba, di sa lahat ng oras yung paraan mo yung nasusunod. pwede din naman siguro di ko sundin yung ginagawa mo di ba? at least nagawa ko yung dapat kong gawin. di naman siguro masamang gumawa ng ibang paraan as long as i'm doing the right thing. as far as i'm concerned, i'm respecting the given rules.

EWAN! tuwing naaalala ko yung ginawa mo napipikon ako! SISTE KO YUN E, i am expecting that you will respect me as much as i respect you everytime you have those EAR and EYE-CATCHING grammatical errors. i wanted to correct you but then i never did for i RESPECT others on how they express themselves.

basta isa lang naman masasabi ko sa'yo e... BACK OFF PWEDE!

*bow* hay nalabas ko din yung inis ko...whew

personality

According to my personality type, I generally have the following traits:

• Keen awareness of their environment
• Live in the present moment
• Enjoy a slower pace - they like to take time to savor the present moment
• Dislike dealing with theory or abstract thought, unless they see a practical application
• Faithful and loyal to people and ideas which are important to them
• Individualistic, having no desire to lead or follow
• Take things seriously, although they frequently appear not to
• Special bond with children and animals
• Quiet and reserved, except with people they know extremely well
• Trusting, sensitive, and kind
• Service-oriented; they're driven to help others
• Extremely well-developed appreciation for aesthetic beauty
• Likely to be original and unconventional
• Learn best with hands-on training
• Hate being confined to strict schedules and regimens
• Need space and freedom to do things their own way
• Dislike mundane, routine tasks, but will perform them if necessary

drowning

you always tell me not to worry even if things completely go wrong. i am currently corrupted by all these things going around me. how can i not worry? how can i just trust you? how can i tell myself that everything is going to be fine? teach me please.

i want to know how to juggle things. i don't want to doubt myself. i want to trust you. i want to let go of everything and just cling on to you. i know it wouldn't be as easy as anybody else thinks. but i also know that it wouldn't be easier to be on my own. i want to give you every load that i am currently carrying. all the things that make me worry. all the things that continue to hurt me. i want to feel you. how you work in my life is such a mystery i have been wanting to unfold. i know i am not alone. you are always there. you never left me. you are my world.

please help me....

help me please....

help me....

help...

i just want to know you better. i don't want to be like them. i don't want to be HOPELESS like everyone else is. only you can help me that's for sure...

boring....

hay.. mag-isa naman ako dito sa account namin. sobrang boring. kasi wala akong makausap tuwing may dumadating nag-aanticipate nalang ako na kakilala ko yung dumating para medyo masiyahan naman ako. nakakatamad kasi magtrabaho na hindi ka nagsasalita e. although may mga tao naman dito. yun nga lang mga di ko naman kakilala.....

nakakatamad....

nakakabugnot....

sana may makausap naman na ko....

wahhhhh.....

mababaliw na ata ako....