should i?

you'll eventually see how scared i am
will you be able to calm me down?
will you be able to wait..?
i just want to assure myself that you are for real
i don't need to pretend...

i admit, everything has been eating me up eventually...
i am scared
will you rescue me?
should i trust you?

always game....

what the hell is happening?
i should be strong enough to handle things like this...
am i falling?
slowly dying...
tell me, how do you kill a dead person?
how do you hurt someone who is already wounded?
they say i am strong,
they admire me for being one...
ha,
if only they knew...

the template

he whispered slowly to my ear, "i love you, grace"

i pretended not to hear anything, as i asked, "ano yon?"

then he said it again, "sabi ko, i love you..."

i didn't react. i just stared blankly into space, thinking, what is he talking about?
if only he was someone else -- someone else i'm expecting, i wouldn't have any other second thoughts and would have just responded.

he followed, "buong araw ka na tahimik, anu bang iniisip mo?"

i couldn't speak, i'm thinking of another person doing that same thing. he held my hand so tight as if he was not willing to let it go. i put away my hand. i don't know, but i'm certain of one thing, i am not into him.

you would know it once i am sooo into a guy. this time, i just want to give him a lesson. a lesson he wouldn't forget.

i am from a broken family. i know this guy who pretends and acts like a single has a child and a wife. i'm just thinking, why on earth would he do something like that to his wife? i just couldn't bear seeing him sickeningly mushy over me.

i picture myself having a family, my spouse goes home past the time he usually goes home. i would demand an explanation. then he would just say, "OT ma e..." then i would smell smoke and alcohol. when he took off his shirt its smell reminded me of a woman's perfume, but definitely not the kind that i would buy. then his child would come to him, and ask "daddy, where have you been?" he'll just flash a devilish smile that would give me a hint that he is cheating. i am sooo afraid that that might happen to me. i don't want to. i don't want to be cheated.

that's why i'm wondering how come that that bastard never thought twice upon making his decisions. on the other hand, i should have asked him, but i'd rather not. i know he wouldn't answer. he accepted me very well, spent his money and time with me as if his child wouldn't need any. i act foolishly when they talked about their lovelife the just this morning. i don't want him to know that i know something.

he again whispered, "wag na tayong pumasok?"

followed with a phrase, "hindi, wag na tayong umuwi?"

i know what he is up to so i asked, "san tayo pupunta?"then he flashed that smile again.

he says i love you undoubtedly. as if he knows everything about me, he doesn't even know when my birthday is or my background. he just know certain facts about me but he doesn't know me. one thing is sure, i wouldn't like to know him either. i know him based from the things he did. i don't want to be his. that's why this whole game should finish soon.

maybe he thinks he can fool me, if only he knows that i have mastered the game years back.

"uwi na 'ko ha, ingat ka mamaya."
"pahinga ka pag-uwi mo"
"bukas nalang kita antayin"

ah! enough of this BIG mess.

sting

sometimes, i wish i could be numb even for just a while. i want to be free from all my thoughts, all the worries and all i anxieties that has been boggling me for so long.
i just want to be me.

nobody has ever understood who i really am or who i could be. every minute turns out as if i wear masks. mask that could prevent them from judging me. masks that could help me recover from all the pain i've been going through. masks that helps me be accepted for even for just a while. who would want to be rejected anyway.

i guess every part of this hurtful expreience is a strong influence of who i could be in the next 5 to 10 years. the "Big Guy" up there really wants me to learn. i could never refuse him nor his teachings. He has been there with me ever since, He never judged me. all He did was to watch over me.

i owe him half of my life.

but how could i rescue myself? how could i forgive myself? how could i recover from this poison that has been killing me for so long?

i often show people around me how much i love my family. i share to them the closeness and the relationship i share with my parents and siblings. but not everyone knows how i really feel about them.

i never share my on going thoughts to my family. i never asked my sister how her day went nor ask my brother how school was. i have 2 brothers and a sister by the way. i am from a broken family. my parents decided to call it quits when i was 13. my world started to stop ever since they decided to separate. they thought it would be the best thing for them. my father had another family anyway.

going back, ever since i started my wacky life as a student, i never shared my thoughts to my sister, number one we were enemies before (good thing were friends now...). number two, we never grew up sharing anything, even our stuff. i just went on and grow on my own.

when i entered my very first boy-girl relationship (which up to now i don't consider my first), i was 11 years old then (okay, okay, i know i was too young), nobody at home knows that. not till they realized that a teacher went to our home and told my mother about it. but my mom did nothing. she allowed me to learn everything on my own. then came another boyfriend when i was 13, my mother knew everything, she just did'nt speak she wanted the words to come out of my own mouth. but i just confirmed it, i never talked about it. whenever my ex and i fought, i just cry i never told her about it and she never asked. my sister then stepped in and convinced me to break up with the guy. they know him so much, he is a family friend. my sister told me that he knows the guy so much and that he would just make a fool out of me. i did'nt believe her, i even mocked her telling her that she ius just jealous of what i have.

i just realized now that she told the truth back then. the naked truth. so eventually, i broke up with the guy. i suffered much but i never shared it with my mom or my siblings, nobody at home knew the pain i was going through. i carried everything all by myself.

i never remember an instance that we shared our griefs at home. everyone pretended that everything is alright. i never go home looking wasted. i always enter our doorstep looking okay. everyone in our home does that. there was even one time that i felt that i was going home to an apartment or a dormitory that we have to live with the people that we don't know.
i envy my friends for having their family intact. their closeness. their sweetness. i wish i can buy or trade my material things for that.

all eyes on me...

ha, when will i ever learn? that's the only question i ask myself everytime i make mistakes. i always trip. i always fall apart. i always end up hurt.

but do you know that everytime somebody hurts me i hurt myself more? i get mad at myself thinking of how stupid i was. i hurt myself til i get numb. i do not show people how hurt i am. i end up wearing a mask, thinking and praying that soon everything will be alright.

i never get things right. i could have chosen not to but then, i choose to make mistakes. i choose to get hurt. i choose to be somebody else. and yes, i am STUPID!

i guess, the whole crowd is staring at me right at this very moment, their eyes stab me as if they kill me everytime they look at me. everyone admires a great PRETENDER. i show off everything. they must be laughing very hard at this moment. who can i run to? where else could i go?

i always fear getting rejected because i have to go through the same pain, same mistakes and same everything. i am DEAD. i try to be hard as a rock. i just wonder, where did you get all the idea to hurt me? i haven't seen you for hundreds of years. i never talked to you. you were never interested.

i hope i could change my face, my name and everything about me or i just wish i could just laugh it all off, i think that would somehow heal a part of me that is rotten.

i guess everything else was planned as it is. no one will ever realize that i am slowly dying.

i am a nomad finding my way back home. no one dares to find me and i guess no one will find me. i am the same plain know-it-all that they think they know.

thanks for laughing at me. thanks for pushing me to the limit. thanks for torturing me. thank you for letting me feel how stupid i was to believe in all your lies. i am me. i will always be me. always trying to learn but then i will never learn.

bombarded...

here i go again...

is there anyway i could stop you? is there anyway i could tell myself to stop?

you made everything loud and clear. you made me trust you with all my heart. i am left with nothing. i am just plain old me, i don't have anything to give or offer you. i haven't changed at all. would you believe me if i tell you i've fallen? would you even care to listen?

so damned.

there is nothing i could do but be silent. i want to break free. i miss the time that i just enjoyed everything. i care for nothing.

i miss me.

will you rescue me?