bubbly bubble

back to normal life na ulit ako. pero, alam ko na nabago kasi naman, napasalita ako. tus di ko lam kung yung pagsasalita ko e maganda yung nagawa. sabi nila NOW or NEVER daw e. tapos, masasaktan lang daw sila. so okay, nagsalita ako. sabi ko pa nga maiiyak ako, ayun, natupad ang pangarap ko, naiyak ako.

pinapapak pako ng lamok nun sa gloria jean's. sabi nya "sincere ako sa lahat ng ginawa ko..."

pano ko naman kaya malalaman? natahimik nalang ako, nung ako na yung magsasalita di ko lam kung pano ako magsisimula. e yun, nagsimula sa panginginig ng boses ko, tus bigla nalang tumulo yung luha ko.

"mas ok sakin yung dati, yung wala lang.. alam ko kahit anung mangyari walang malisya..."

di ko na alam kung anu pang nangayri, basta tumatak sa utak ko yung lines na paulit-ulit nyang sinabi.. "nagulat nalang ako, pag gising ko gusto ko nasa tabi nalang kita..."

ha! grabe... hindi ko ma-imagine yun.

ok na sabi ko, pero sabi nila apektado sya. masaya na ulit ako, ang totoo, masaya naman na talaga ako. hindi ko lang siguro inaasahan to kaya medyo di ko lam kung anu gagawin ko.

tanong lang, nung nakita ko sya bakit parang normal naman lahat? ganun din naman sya nung makausap ko sya e?...

hay...

kailangan ko lang siguro linawin kung anu na ba talaga ang gusto ko sa hindi... mawawala na ko sa sarili...

fighting the back fighter

what would you feel if the least person that you think would turn his back against you would back fight you?

i think i would feel really bad that it would be hard to trust that person again. honestly, just last week, i was in the situation i was so wounded that i didn't know what to do. i noticed that i have been quiet ever since this exploded. i prefer to act the same way but then who wouldn't get weak when you feel like the whole damn world is going against you?

hay..

too much boredom makes me write issues i just want to forget. i just hope for the best to come that i would just let go of everything that i've been thinking about.

speaking out loud

i've been encountering issues lately, issues i never expected to happen. as far as i'm concerned, only 5 people know this issue.

just awhile ago, one of those people plainly talked to me and asked me how i've been, i never wanted to answer. i have been keeping answers to myself. i have been as hard as a rock because i don't want them to see that i'm weak.

i don't want to answer because i don't know what or how i would answer.

just this morning, gie asked me to speak out.. yes, i do admit that i am talkative, but one of my weaknesses is confronting people. i mumble everytime i confront. i don't know why...

regardless of what is happening, i stand strong and i will never let this issue get me down!

i'm gaining a lot from here, as it gets harder and harder as days pass by.. i don't know what to do but then everybody else is advicing me to talk.

....

i still prefer to be quiet for a while...

in question...

why do i question you?
why do you care?
why do you like me?
what's with that stare?

i don't know what i'm into..
so please don't ask
i'd rather be quiet,
than kill you to death..

you make me cry,
you make me feel down
but you always end up
wanting me so bad...

what's with this poem?
what's with the lines?
i shouldn't worry about you...
i shouldn't frown..

i miss you...

nineteen and getting old

i have lived nineteen years of my life. i can say that somehow i have changed.

i feel different everytime i speak -- a few years back, my mom would often call me tactless, i always blurt out whatever that comes to my mind even if would hurt them. i carried that attitude til i was in highschool, i corrected people when i wanted to, i just speak my heart out. That experience made a monster in front of everybody around me. they saw me as someone who nearly knew it all. They even called me BONAKID. it was really an awful experience but then, i thank them wholeheartedly for they told me and my BIG mouth to shut up a bit -- i'm a bit quiet now, although at some point i'm still that obnoxious little girl trying to make her stand.

i also feel different when i act -- i recall when i was still in the stage of transforming into a lady (i was thirteen then, i think) i was often loud and bubbly, "i could bounce anywhere" as Kuya Alvin would describe me. i was alwasy full of energy, people could not keep up with what i do. if i were to describe myself back then, i would say that i'm jolly but people would often call me NAUGHTY. i was always fond of playing a game with everybody. -- i may have turned into a lady, but that doesn't mean that i have outgrown the bully in me.

finally, i feel different when i think. they say that when a person grows up, he thinks complicatedly. Maybe because they get to see what the WHOLE picture looks like, unlike a child, a lollipop or a band-aid would be enough to solve his problem.

i may have grown a bit. i may feel a little tactful, a little demure and a little responsible but i will always be the person who'll rock your world. Ü

complicated

i got things out of hand again. i am more reckless than ever. they always tell me that i am good in handling things. well, yun lang kasi yung nakikita nila. i actually don't know what i want. i easily change my mind.

hay, ewan ko ba. takot kasi ako lagi e. takot masaktan.

kung trauma tawag dito, nako baliw nako ngayon. my life gets complicated every single day, implication ba to na matanda nako? funny to think no? pero i've realized that i'm getting to see the whole picture of myself getting silly.

making a good decision is the hardest part, kasi naman, di ko alam kung anung posibleng consequence nun sakin. i want to cope with whatever that i'm going through. di lang naman eto nangyari once e.

don't be too pushy. baka mali yung ibigay kong sagot tus masasaktan kayo. ako rin naman babalikan ng decisions ko e.

help me please? i miss being bubbly. i miss me.