my current state of mind

telling me you love me is as easy as denying that you do. i wish i didn't have to know, i wish i didn't have to think this way.

i am paranoid. i don't want to ask, i don't want to demand. i am not in the right position to tell you what's going on.

you tell me things that you feel. i honestly do want to believe but then i couldn't because i know it ain't real

why do i have to be an option, why can't i be the only one?

i crumble as i think of myself. why does it have to be this way?

but like what i usually tell you.

anything could happen, so let's just leave it this way...

numbness

it was wednesday.

i had to go home late to finish all the audits assigned to me. i dropped by the bank to deposit the money i worked for. i felt my phone vibrate. i checked it right away.

it was my brother, he said: "ano sked mo dis week? nood tayo ng cinemanila sa taguig"

to which i replied: "8-5. kelan ba? san sa taguig?"

when he texted: "market market" i felt my chest trembled.

market market... it was where me and my ex met - and where i left all of our memories. i try not to go there because i wouldn't like to reminisce anything about us - about him.

but then for some reason, i still said yes.

saturday came.

i planned to go home to prep up before i meet my brother but because of the company thing we had, i didn't even had a chance to rest. i decided to take a cab to avoid the traffic.

i remembered closing my eyes to at least rest, but to my surprise, when i opened my eyes i was already in market market.

i was expecting i'd feel sad when i get there.

but i didn't.

it felt different. i didn't feel a thing. i didn't remember his face, the things that we usually do, the places where we usually hang out.

it was like i was numb.

i didn't recall anything. it was like the it was the first time i visited the place.

i just realized, maybe my brain got tired because of the days work. or maybe my brain got tired thinking of the relationship i had with my ex - that it chose not to associate anything to him.

.....

i stared outside. i asked myself "why do i always get into this situation?"

the gloominess of the morning overwhelmed me. it made me realize anything and everything i've been through and i just realized how strong i was.

i can pretend without them noticing it.

i can smile without showing i'm dying actually rotting inside.

i can wear masks of sorts.

i envy other people who are strong enough to face the fiercest storms. unfortunately i'm one of those people who just wait for the storm to calm down.

i stared outside. lights flickering.

the sun is gonna shine soon...

Gracey is an Artisan

I wasn't doing anything so I tried to google some personality tests. Found one from this site.

And here's what I found out:

ARTISAN

Artisans are the temperament with a natural ability to excel in any of the arts, not only the fine arts such as painting and sculpting, or the performing arts such as music, theater, and dance, but also the athletic, military, political, mechanical, and industrial arts, as well as the "art of the deal" in business.

Artisans are most at home in the real world of solid objects that can be made and manipulated, and of real-life events that can be experienced in the here and now. Artisans have exceptionally keen senses, and love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them where they want to go, and as quickly as possible. Thus Artisans will strike off boldly down roads that others might consider risky or impossible, doing whatever it takes, rules or no rules, to accomplish their goals. This devil-may-care attitude also gives the Artisans a winning way with people, and they are often irresistibly charming with family, friends, and co-workers.

Artisans want to be where the action is; they seek out adventure and show a constant hunger for pleasure and stimulation. They believe that variety is the spice of life, and that doing things that aren't fun or exciting is a waste of time. Artisans are impulsive, adaptable, competitive, and believe the next throw of the dice will be the lucky one. They can also be generous to a fault, always ready to share with their friends from the bounty of life. Above all, Artisans need to be free to do what they wish, when they wish. They resist being tied or bound or confined or obligated; they would rather not wait, or save, or store, or live for tomorrow. In the Artisan view, today must be enjoyed, for tomorrow may never come.

There are many Artisans, perhaps 30 to 35 percent of the population, which is good, because they create much of the beauty, grace, fun, and excitement the rest of us enjoy in life.

Artisans at Work
Artisans seek to make an impact upon the organizations where they work and upon society at large. Their alertness to current realities, the joy they take in variation, and their tendency to follow their instincts to 'what works' make them good troubleshooters and negotiators, talented performers and craftspeople and excellent leaders in all kinds of emergencies and chaotic situations.

Even at work, your motto could be, "Let me entertain you. Let me make you smile." In fact, bringing playfulness to situations can be one of your greatest contributions on the job. In your ideal job, you have the opportunity to apply your talent for performing and improvising communications so that they appeal to the individuals or groups of people in your environment. Because of your gift for words, your ideal position might include tasks that allow you to apply your communications talent for the good of the organization.