all eyes on me...

ha, when will i ever learn? that's the only question i ask myself everytime i make mistakes. i always trip. i always fall apart. i always end up hurt.

but do you know that everytime somebody hurts me i hurt myself more? i get mad at myself thinking of how stupid i was. i hurt myself til i get numb. i do not show people how hurt i am. i end up wearing a mask, thinking and praying that soon everything will be alright.

i never get things right. i could have chosen not to but then, i choose to make mistakes. i choose to get hurt. i choose to be somebody else. and yes, i am STUPID!

i guess, the whole crowd is staring at me right at this very moment, their eyes stab me as if they kill me everytime they look at me. everyone admires a great PRETENDER. i show off everything. they must be laughing very hard at this moment. who can i run to? where else could i go?

i always fear getting rejected because i have to go through the same pain, same mistakes and same everything. i am DEAD. i try to be hard as a rock. i just wonder, where did you get all the idea to hurt me? i haven't seen you for hundreds of years. i never talked to you. you were never interested.

i hope i could change my face, my name and everything about me or i just wish i could just laugh it all off, i think that would somehow heal a part of me that is rotten.

i guess everything else was planned as it is. no one will ever realize that i am slowly dying.

i am a nomad finding my way back home. no one dares to find me and i guess no one will find me. i am the same plain know-it-all that they think they know.

thanks for laughing at me. thanks for pushing me to the limit. thanks for torturing me. thank you for letting me feel how stupid i was to believe in all your lies. i am me. i will always be me. always trying to learn but then i will never learn.