sting

sometimes, i wish i could be numb even for just a while. i want to be free from all my thoughts, all the worries and all i anxieties that has been boggling me for so long.
i just want to be me.

nobody has ever understood who i really am or who i could be. every minute turns out as if i wear masks. mask that could prevent them from judging me. masks that could help me recover from all the pain i've been going through. masks that helps me be accepted for even for just a while. who would want to be rejected anyway.

i guess every part of this hurtful expreience is a strong influence of who i could be in the next 5 to 10 years. the "Big Guy" up there really wants me to learn. i could never refuse him nor his teachings. He has been there with me ever since, He never judged me. all He did was to watch over me.

i owe him half of my life.

but how could i rescue myself? how could i forgive myself? how could i recover from this poison that has been killing me for so long?